An Akward Week
by leechlover
Summary: This is what happens when Jasper gets touchyfeely because of PMS and about the trouble the Cullens have at school when they throw a full fledged rebellion...i know, the summary stinks like...jake!...lol... BXE,JXA,EXR,CXE
1. Monday equals Horrible

**so people, this is me... kinda...I'm leechlovers friend and I hacked into her account (which was about me, who apparently sux...) So, I'm out to get her. Meaning that my story gets more hits and reviews than hers...HELP ME PLEASE!**

**You all know I don't own Twilight...If I did, Edward and I would be in the meadow right now...instead, I'm typing random things...What has the world come to?**

Monsterous Mondays

Jasper Point Of View

No. No no no no no no NO! Not another boring and hideous Monday!

Sighing as I glanced around the room warily, I struggled to keep my emotions in check. Waves of annoyance, from the teacher who was annoyed at the students from falling asleep, lust, from the out of control hormonal teens, and The Emotion hit me like a brick wall.

The Emotion had troubled me for years. For as long as I could remember, actually. Even as a human I could sense it around me, terrorizing me with every single breath. A plague, The Emotion still haunted me, no matter if I was enjoying Alice's company, hunting, tackling my pig-headed brothers, or messing with random peoples emotions.

Ahh. The feeling intensified as yet another girl walked into the room, sassily shoving her tardy slip in the face of the teacher.

Groaning so low that only Alice could hear, I dramatically pounded my head against my desk silently. Glaring at the clock, I saw that there were still thirty minutes left for this class period.

Apparently Alice knew something of the torture I was undergoing, because she giggled. I growled at her seriously, not willing to take the matter lightly. This only caused her to laugh even harder and louder, even though the idiotic humans in this room still wouldn't be able to hear.

I tried counting the tiles on the ceiling.

The tiles on the floor.

The cracks in the wall.

The dents in the chalkboard.

The pieces of gum on the bottom of my desk.

The number of people who had serious BO in the room.

Wishing again I could sleep, I almost went insane as the teacher droned on about those darned Yankees. Almost. Well, more insane than I had already gone.

Yankees. I wish I could spit at their miserable faces. We Confederates should have won that war. Them darn Yankees!

Suddenly I found something in my pocket. Momentarily distracted from my long line of profanities by the piece of paper, I read it cautiously.

_Dear Jazzy Pooh Hale,_

_Don't do it. I'm warning you. If you do, extreme measures will be taken. I mean it._

_Your loving and devoted wife,_

_Alice_

Do what? My train of thought crashed into a tree and de-railed.

What on Earth could cause Alice to be mad at me?

Aha! My train of thought, having righted itself, sped down the tracks eagerly. Looking up at Alice with pleading in my eyes, I silently begged her to consider my side.

_Dear Alice Pooh Cullen/Hale,_

_Please? Pretty please? If not, then meet me in the men's room, the one on the north side of the building. I'll be waiting._

_Please, please, please!_

_Mr. Too Cool (NOT JAZZY!),_

_Jasper_

Having successfully placed the note in Alice's waiting hand, I raised my own.

"Mr. Doof—I mean Donyer, may I please be excused to go to the restroom?"

"Fine, but be quick. You need to know these things, they're important you know!"

Yeah, doof—tard **(sorry, bff joke) **I only lived it!

Impatiently tapping my foot on the floor, I waited for my pixie to arrive.

"Alice!" When I moved to kiss her, she abruptly side stepped me.

"Don't play nice with me, Mr., I know what you want!"

Knowing that the only thing I could do to make her cave was to cheat; I sent waves of love towards her.

"Alice, please?!" She swayed on her feet; obviously affected by the emotions I sent barreling towards her.

"Fine!" Was all she whispered before she kissed me deeply. But I pulled away soon, knowing I would need her sane to participate in my evil plan…

She laughed afterwards when her eyes glazed over momentarily. Asumming it to be related to my awesome evil plan, I brushed it aside. Now to get down to buisness...

I'MRANDOMI'MRANDOMI'MANDOMI'MRANDOMI'MRANDOMI'MRANDOMI'MRANDOMI'MRANDOMI'MRANDOMI'MRANDOMI'MRANDOMI'MRANDOM

As I walked back into the classroom, The Emotion washed over me. Drowned me. Killed me...Once again that is.

Suddenly all I wanted to do was run out of that room, back into Alice's comforting arms. Anywhere but here...

Despair, my own for once, filled me as the teacher, apparently having heard my entrance, impatiently insisted that I return to my seat.

I slowly crept back to my chair of doom, the one thing that confined me for only...after looking at the clock...YESS! Only twenty more minutes to go.

I grinned evilly as I thought about what would happen next Monday, The Monday that would put a stop to The Emotion!! Estatic, I jumped up and down slightly in my seat, faintly resembling Alice when she ate some of that stupid human junk food with that sugar in it.

Ha! I thought maniacilly, you female fools! You will regret the day you didn't take your medicine forever!

..._to be continued_

_**STOP! REVIEW NOWWWWWWWWWW! I'M BEGGING YOU!**_

**_Now I know how it feels to be an author and always want to keep writing, but things get in the way! Please don't virtually shoot, slap, or kill me! I PROMISE to update as soon as I can._**

If you want me too, that is... **: (...Sob sobsobsobsobsobsobsobsobsob!**

**If you do, review and tell me!**


	2. The Torture Continues

**Sorry for the delay guys, computer trouble...So, to make it up to you, I wrote it EXTRA long...Enjoy!**

Torturous Tuesdays

Tuesday. The second to worst day of the week. Sigh.

But at least I had my plan to look forward to! Alice had assured me that Monday would help get the maximum effect, so I endured The Emotion almost willingly. I had already tried altering their emotions, but this one was so strong and so human it couldn't be stopped.

Emmett and Rosalie had just finished their traditional ten-minute make out session in the back of Rosalie's convertible (nobody else wanted their car to endure that torture) when the bell rang to go to first period.

Alice skipped merrily along to our first class, which we, of course, had together. It was comical to see, her four foot ten inch frame dragging along my six foot one. Still, I obliged her wishes, seeing as I needed her on my side for the prank.

We hadn't been in class for seven minutes before Alice tossed me a note.

_Dear Jazzy,_

_Meet me in the girl's bathroom on west wing of the building. Okay?_

_Your bored and going-insane wife,_

_Alice_

Seeing as I could literally feel the distress and boredom coming off of her, I quickly wrote back one of my own.

_Dear Alice,_

_Why not the boy's bathroom? North one again? Please? And you already are insane._

_Love,_

_Jasper-not-Jazzy_

This time though, she shook her head, obviously disagreeing on my choice of bathrooms. But before I could insist, she had already asked for a pass and left. Great.

I counted to a thousand twice, which was still only two minutes to the slow humans, before I too asked to be excused. I walked to the boy's bathroom, for the sake of the school cameras, and quickly jumped through the window.

Running around the building in a matter of seconds, I met Alice in the girl's bathroom. I almost gagged. It reeked.

"Alice, what do these girls _do_ in here?" I asked, horrified.

"You idiot, it's called perfume. Humans wear it in order to try to smell good. _Try _to smell good. If you ask me, it's just a migraine in a bottle."

"How do you put up with that?"

"You get used to it." She became frustrated. "That's not why I brought you in here for, Jasper-not-Jazzy. I'm bored. Amuse me."

And from her purse, gigantic I might add, she whipped out…Make-up. Upon seeing my terrified expression, she assured me quickly how funny it would be.

"Come on, Jaz-sper! I had the most hilarious vision in the world of Jessica and Lauren walking in here, gossiping like two old hens, and if they see you, they'll sexually assault and rape you."

Seeing I was about to make a run for it, she tried desperately to persuade me to stay.

"Jasper! Wait! I went shopping yesterday…" she trailed off in a suggesting voice.

"So? You go shopping everyday!"

"That's not the point you idiot!" she recovered her calm composure before continuing. "I went shopping at _Victoria Secret_."

That made me do a double take. What in the world could she have bought…Oh.

"I'm listening," I assured her. "Keep going."

"Well, Jazz, I bought something special…"

"What???"

"What do you mean what—"

"No Alice, what did you buy?" I was dying of impatience. This had better be good.

"I bought…antlers."

My eyes bulged.

"What else?"

"Nothing much…just an outfit _made to match_."

My mouth watered.

Edward had Bella and mountain lions. Emmett had Rosalie and aggravated bears. I had Alice and…deer.

"And I promise Jazz, during Christmas break, we'll go on our own little vacation…"

"Okay!" I said, as enthusiastically as I could, considering I was about to become a girl. She smiled as evilly as she could considering she was the love of my existence.

I'MRANDOMI'MRANDOMI'MRANDOMI'MRANDOMI'MRANDOMI'MRANDOM

"Like oh-my-gosh, did you see that outfit Bella was wearing? It's sooo obvious that Edward's just using her to try to make me jealous. Did I ever tell you how I turned him down because he wanted me for my body? I mean, I know I'm hot but please, get a grip!"

Jessica's vain cloud that surrounded her was unmistakable. Sensing another person from the stall I was in, I listened for another voice.

"You know what? He hit on me yesterday, right after he dropped her off at gym! That guy is sooo self-centered. Gosh, like I would ever go out with him!" Lauren's snobby voice also filled the bathroom with its annoyingly high frequency. Then she and Jessica started giggling uncontrollably. All I wanted to do was run away. I frantically searched for my motivation.

_Alice and antlers. Alice and antlers. Alice and antlers. Alice and antlers. Alice and antlers…_

This I repeated mentally over and over, the only thing that would keep me sane. Because of my extreme height, I could easily peer over the tops of the stalls, but I didn't want anybody to see me. I sensed Alice's frustration leaking from the stall next to me so I decided it was now or never.

I walked out of the stall calmly after flushing the toilet, and waved hello to the two amazed humans Jessica and Lauren. They goggled. Then Alice also flushed her toilet, and walked out.

"Oh, hi Jessica and Lauren! Have you met the new foreign exchange student? Her name is Jasmine."

I shuddered inwardly. What a hideous name for a man as masculine as me! But I was soon trying to contain my laughter as I felt the measly humans' confusing waves hit me.

"Yeah, I've seen you before. Where did you say you were from?" Lauren managed to say.

"Switzerland." I answered with an accent, completing the effect completely.

But soon I felt a weird emotion radiating from Jessica.

"What?" I asked in my most high pitched and girly voice I could manage.

"Your boobs…are they real?" She proceeded to poke one, and I stared at her in shock.

"Yes! Very real! And I wouldn't mind if you kept your fingers to yourself!" I feigned pain at her poke, thankful that Alice had packed my cheetah-striped bra with a cushiony ball so I didn't have to bear Jessica's touch.

Then Lauren noticed my wig.

"Oh my gosh! Your hair is just like Hannah Montana's!" she jumped up and down ecstatically, for reasons nobody knows.

I immediately self-consciously patted my hair. Nothing seemed wrong in the mirror.

"And I love your dress!" Jessica said, motioning towards my long, black clothing.

"Thanks?" Now I was really confused…what was happening to these crazy psychopaths?

Suddenly Alice started laughing. Confused, I turned to look at her.

"Jasmine, we have to get back to class…now!" She then proceeded to whip me out of the door into the adjoining teacher's lounge at vampire-speed where she started getting hysterical.

"Alice? What's wrong?" I found it quite difficult to keep a straight face because her emotions were starting to affect me.

"Jasper, they had crushes on you."

"Meaning…"

"Jasper, they were considering becoming lesbian for you!"

What was it with these hormonal females? And why were they attracted to me no matter what gender I was? I was doomed forever!

Oh. My. Dear. Sweet. Merciful. Lord.

I fell onto the floor. Being the vampire I am, I couldn't faint. Darn.

"And Jasper-not-Jazz?" she asked in a singsong voice.

"Yes?" I muttered weakly.

"Lookie!" And from her enormous purse she pulled out… a video camera. And the red recording light was on.

I banged my head against the floor repeatedly, not caring if I broke the tile or not. Now Alice could relive my torture as many times as she wanted…

And so could…EVERYONE ELSE!

**Good? Bad? Horrible? Okay? I NEED REVIEWS! please? thanks to all of those who do review, i'll try to take all of your thoughts and opinions into consideration.**


	3. Whacko Wednesday

Today Alice would pay for what she had done yesterday. What made her think that she could just take advantage of my weakness for her and deer and turn them against me? It was payback time.

I quietly evaluated how to overcome her power, and immediately realized that a surprise attack was just what I needed. Nothing planned, just a spur of the moment decision. Yeah, that was it.

I turned to look at the source of my misery, a. k. a. Alice. She grinned back at me evilly, obviously knowing that I would be planning something like this. She concentrated for a moment, and then grew confused. I laughed silently. She had probably been trying to see what I would do. But there was nothing to see.

She turned in her seat, glaring at me forcefully, obviously trying to intimidate me with her eyes. It didn't work. I laughed even harder.

When she saw my reaction to her pitiful 'glares', she only grew even more aggravated. A wad of paper hit me full in the face when the teacher's back was turned, though she wouldn't have been able to see it anyway at the speed it was going.

I cautiously opened it up, double-checking for any traps that would most likely blow my hair off, but there were none. Just one lonely little sentence, one that was confusing enough.

Dear Jazzy, 

_South broom closet in five minutes._

_Be there, _

Alice-Pooh 

I glanced up at her with a bewildered expression on my face, and now she was the one who was emitting amusement. Darn it to the Yankees…. What in the world did she have planned for me? Well, setting my jaw firmly, I won't do it, I thought to myself. Wait, a stroke of brilliance left me speechless for a moment.

Another way to trick Alice was to use her powers against her. Make her feel comfortable with the future she saw. Make her expect it. Lull her into a false sense of security. I caught myself before I jumped from my chair from excitement.

A false sense of security…. What could do that? Then I planned my attack. I watched myself meeting Alice in the broom closet with a sad face, and apologizing to her profusely. I watched myself fall onto my knees and beg her forgiveness.

She saw it.

An amused look passed over her eyes, and she smiled triumphantly. I only lowered my head farther, feeling ashamed. I sent out my shame and embarrassment through the classroom, increasing each passing second until a glossy eyed Alice slapped me on my shoulder, reaching up to hit me.

"Jasper, control your emotions!" she whispered frantically. I immediately withdrew the feelings of remorse and the room grew instantly more cheerful.

"Yes ma'am." Frowning even more, I watched her carefully. Was my act too sincere? Would she see right through it? Had she seen through it already, and _she_ was lulling _me_ into a false sense of security?

Panic filled my body as I tried to think positive. I mentally chanted me only source of comfort.

_Alice in antlers. Alice in antlers. Alice in antlers. Alice in antlers. Alice in antlers…_

It wasn't working! Frantically trying to keep from screaming my head off, the PMS was _not_ helping my situation at all; I took long and slow breaths. I don't know why I did. I don't need to breathe. But somehow the constant deep inhaling and exhaling kept me sane.

Alice raised her hand when the teacher had turned back around to the class, and was granted her wish to be excused. I, however, had a lot more trouble.

"Mrs. Landon," I said in my most charming voice, "may I please be excused to go to the bathroom for a minute?"

"No." She answered shortly and sassily. Great. Pregnant women were even more hormonal than ones with PMS! Switching to a new plan of action, I sent out love towards her. Suddenly she was transformed into a hippie.

"Children," she said in a drowsy voice, "our lesson today was supposed to be over how the human digestive tract works, but living together in peace is far more important. Let's discuss ways to show the ones we love how much we care about them."

She looked around the room, looking for an unsuspecting target. Her brown eyes came to rest on Mike, the only one in the entire class who ever paid the slightest bit of attention.

"Mike, how do you show your love for other people through your actions?"

This took the dim whit by surprise.

"Huh?" he asked loudly. I was again tempted to tamper with another measly human, and this time Mike was my target. As I sent confusion his way, he soon forgot his name. I laughed mentally. How easy these humans were to confuse!

But that was only the beginning of my fun.

I sent out waves of confusion to every single person in the room, and made my subtle escape while they were trying to speak, but all that came out were a few incoherent "Ahh"s and "Mmm"s.

I raced down the hallway, fighting my instincts to break out in a full run, and barely containing myself. I spied the large dark oak door ahead, and slipped into the closet quietly. What awaited me shocked me into a state of hysteria.

"Jazzy!" Alice exclaimed as she jumped into my arms.

Confused, I watched her warily. Oh. Yeah. So much for remembering my evil plans…

I quickly turned her around so that her back was pressed against my chest, and grabbed her two hands with one of mine behind her back and with my other hand I grabbed her in a headlock.

"You are going to pay Alice, you will pay _dearly_." I obviously wasn't controlling my emotions enough because she started to shake with anger.

"Jasper Hale! Get your hands _off!_" With that she tried to fling me off of her. It was of no use. I held her even more tightly, now that my element of surprise was gone. She shook in my arms, but she still made no headway.

I attempted sending calm towards her, but because she was so angry, it only leveled it out as normal. Beginning to get worried, I tried to get my revenge without ticking her off too much.

Lust. The sudden and powerful motion made a beeline for Alice. She stopped. Now she only struggled in my arms to turn herself around and grab me. She tried frantically to turn her head, but when she couldn't reach my head a full foot and a half above her, she started kissing my arm.

Whoa… Too much there buddy. I lessened the amount of desire that I was sending her, but she still continued her assault on my arm.

"Alice!" The butterflies started dancing in my stomach as her kissing started to affect my body. This was not working out.

Because of the effect she was having on me, my attention swerved and she was able to turn to face me. Then she jumped up, grabbed my head, and pulled me down to her height. And she kissed me.

And kissed me.

And kissed me.

This had to stop! I was supposed to be the one making her pay! Somehow gaining enough will to force her head off of mine, I ran. Out the door, down the hallway, and back into the room full of confused and crazy hippies. Ahh!

Unfortunately, Alice soon recovered from the emotions that I had forced on her, and retaliated by trying to 'lust me up' during Biology. The irony of it all. Judging by the grimaces of pain that seemed to settle permanently on Edward's face, there were pictures to go along.

"Shhh, Edward. It's okay." Soothed Bella quietly in response to Edward's tense posture.

"No, it is definitely NOT! Do you have any idea how disgusting Alice's thoughts are? Of course you don't. Hmmm…what to relate them too?" here he paused momentarily, mentally comparing and contrasting as many grotesque things he could muster.

"Oh, that's just the thing. Bella, love?" he called her.

She turned on her stool again, focusing squarely on him.

He was probably just about to comment on one Emmett and Rosalie's many _costumes_ when she did it.

"Yes, _Eddie_?"

Oh, she was in trouble now! I watched Edward's negative reaction, as well as felt it, as his butterscotch eyes turned a dark topaz.

"Please Bella, Please," he emphasized again dramatically, "_Please_ don't call me that."

Then he did it.

Right then and there, he did it.

No, Edward could care less if we were sitting in a room full of human witnesses.

He dazzled her.

The love, lust, and willingness to do anything for Edward came at me from Bella like a charging bull. But this bull was faster than lightening. I barely had time to grab Alice's hand before I was kissing her.

I was up her middle finger, past her wrist, and almost to the elbow of Alice's arm when the class filled with the lust generated from Bella and Edward, that went to Alice and I, which I, not being able to control the unstable emotions, spread throughout the classroom.

Even the teacher, who had been demonstrating how to pour substances from one graduated cylinder to another, was soon tonguing something.

Luckily, Ben passed straight over Jessica to Angela, and Mike, being the klutz he is, tripped on his way over to grab Jessica, unwillingly, out of her chair. All he could reach was her foot, so he grabbed and started kissing her shoes…

This was going to get interesting.


	4. Mrs Pine's Revenge

I straightened up in my chair immediately after Jessica screamed. My sincere efforts to calm the emotions swirling in this room were in vain. There was only so much I could do to contain my own desires, let alone a roomful of hormonal teens!

Alice, dramatically fanning herself in the face to mock me, nudged me sharply and pointed to Jessica and Mike. Mike, who had trailed his slobbery kisses up Jessica's pants to her knee, continued his sexual assault on the poor girl. This was the only time in my life I had ever felt sympathy for the vain girl who tortured Bella.

I laughed silently as the teacher straightened up from kissing a picture of his wife, and looked at the classroom before him. Alice and I were the only people besides him that weren't making out with somebody. His shocked expression turned to terror as he heard the dull click of high heels coming down the hall…

Mrs. Pine.

How a vice principal could ever be so mean, it is beyond my comprehension. Even Edward, who often read her mind, couldn't decipher the maniac's crazy thoughts. Everyday she wore the same black suit, same black heels and the same stern façade. When vandalizing her house, Emmett and I had obtained a bottle of large red spray paint, which we put to an honorable and hilarious use—dyeing every single one of her ten pin-stripe suits red. We waited outside and Edward read her mind as she opened her closet; the memory was priceless. But then again, it was the responsibility of all of the Cullens to avenge their fellow siblings, even when Rosalie did violate school dress code when she wore that pair of 5-inch shorts and 6-inch heels with that tank top.

The resounding reverberations of the clicks could be heard.

Click… 

_Click…_

_Click…_

_Click…_

Mrs. Pine's shoes clattered noisily down the hallway. The teacher stiffened. The only people who didn't sit up straight and attempt to straighten their clothes were Mike and Jessica and Bella and Edward.

I had a suddenly evil plan. I sent lust towards Jessica and Mike. Jessica watched in horror as her hand moved of it's own accord to Mike's shirt collar and grabbed him closer. Then she sat up on her desk and pulled Mike on top of her. Edward, darn it the mind-reading vampire, abruptly picked up Bella, turned her to face forward again, and hastily straightened his clothes.

Bella blushed a brilliant shade of red as Alice laughed at her futile attempt to fix her hair, which Edward had apparently damaged beyond repair. But soon we all forgot about Bella completely.

Mike and Jessica were still kissing each other passionately, and even a "Harrumph," from the teacher wouldn't stop them. I grabbed my desk in an attempt not to lunge at Alice and release the enormous amounts of lust building up inside me, and also to not attack Mike and Jessica because they were mentally scarring me.

The incessant _click_ of Mrs. Pine's shoes rang through the corridors. She came closer…closer…closer…now she was almost to the door.

Nobody even attempted to break up Jessica and Mike—they were too far gone to save now. And I know for certain that I wasn't the only one who wouldn't be upset to see them go to detention…or somewhere else that there's lots of fire an a really mean guy that is always trying to take over the world…and torture that lasts forever…what a nice way to spend eternity!

Awoken from my thoughts by a knocking on the door, I looked up to see the astonished face of Mr. Varner looking through the window in the door, to Mike and Jessica, and back up again to the door. This cycle lasted for only a few moments before he made a determined face and went to answer the door. His unrelenting anger hit me hard in the chest, and I grabbed Alice for moral support so that I wouldn't lash out and hit anybody or anything.

Edward's eyes opened wide and his jaw opened slightly. Pure shock was dripping off of him, which I guessed to be coming the no doubt violent anger coming from Mr. Varner as he thought of Mike and Jessica. No wonder he was aggravated at them—they showed PDA daily in his class—and this was his chance to stop it.

The door of our classroom opened as Mr. Varner greeted Mrs. Pine, whose only answer was to curtly nod. Her feelings—weren't there. It's as if she didn't exist…what in the world…wait, no, it couldn't be! My mind wildly searched for any alternatives but there were none. What if Mrs. Pine was a…a…a…no, she can't be…

Edward raised his eyebrows as he glanced sideways at me in confusion. But my muddled mind couldn't admit the truth. Mrs. Pine was a…robot. A high pitched squeal erupted from my throat that only a bat and vampire could detect, and Alice elbowed me hard, in a useless attempt to cut it off, while Edward turned his whole head to look at me, flabbergasted at my thoughts.

But he was soon distracted from questioning me by an indignant Mrs. Pine glaring at Mike and Jessica. Although I had stopped sending lust at them, the two disgusting dimwits continued to paw each other animalistically. She was a chameleon as she watched them, her facial expressions changed from indignation, disgust, shocked, appalled, to finally rest on anger. Resentment. She was furious. But I could still not feel her emotions. This woman was definitely a robot.

Grabbing Mike by his collar and lifting him off Jessica with one hand, who felt enormously relieved, she brought his face mere inches from her own with supernatural strength. Her eyes narrowed at him until they were microscopic slits, shooting flames at him. His pupils dilated, a common sign of fear, and he fainted.

Mrs. Price's face couldn't have been more angered. She slapped him. He didn't stir. She repeated her assault, yet he didn't even flinch. Her hands made huge red marks on his face that would develop into welts, but he still showed no sign of comprehending the pain she was currently inflicting on him. Finally she pressed her lips together in determination while she pinched his nose, cutting off his air supply.

That got a reply. He sputtered and gawked at her; he still didn't believe this was happening to him. The poor, stupid, insignificant, stupid, hideous, stupid human. Would he ever understand? I sincerely doubted that. By now Jessica was in tears, of relief I might add, and she covered her face with her hands. What a way to start off the day.

**SORRY!! PROMISE TO UPDATE IF YOU REVIEW!!!!!PLZ?**

**i know. i'm a terrible person. i stink like jake, only worse...wait, is that possible? please forgive me for being such a horribly rude person by not updating, but hey, what can a person do when their dad decides to randomly confinscate and ban laptops? and especially when the only other computer is being held hostage by their world of warcraft playing brother...whose a jerk and doesn't share...i know, excuses, excuses, excuses...i'm sorry. can yall ever forgive me? i promise to try and update as much as possible. but i've got algebra (shoot me), solo and ensemble (again, please), UIL tryouts (get a bigger gun), national junior honor society service hours, (reload) and a principal who just happens to hate you u you can't tell off because they're very vengeful and they force you into akward situations... did i mention i'm busy? and with reading boycotts and barflies, which is dissapointingly vulgar at some times, but the plot's good, and i'm on yearbook staff. geez, if i get anymore busy i won't have a life!!! wait, i lost that already! and none of my friends have been able to come over i've been so busy... not to mention this guy, who i sooooooooo extremely dislike because ur not supposed to hate, thinks i and my bff are obsessed with him...i am soooo not, and she isn't either. so he neees to mooooooooove on. now. but, he won't and he even had the audacity to ask my bff (leechlover) out, saying he'd dump his current girl ( my also good friend) for her???? do boys seriously not think we talk about them??? anyway, i'm done ranting. thanks for yelling with me!**

**by the way, i absoloutley ADORE reviews!!! they're like oreos...my heaven!**


	5. Battle Plans

i obviously don't own Edward. if i did why would i be fantasizing over him in fanfiction?

**Battle Plans Chapter 5**

**JPOV**

**WARNING: CHAPTER 4 HAS BEEN REPLACED! IF IT WAS THE SAME AS CHAPTER THREE WHEN YOU READ IT, GO BACK AND READ IT AGAIN!**

As soon as he 'gathered his wits', not that he has any, Mike screamed. And again. He thought he was dreaming, the _demented idiotic human!_

With that last thought came a stern and reproachful look from Edward. _Sorry Bella…_ But we were soon interrupted from our conversation by Mr. Varner jumping to action.

"Bella, please escort Jessica to the counselor's office with Alice and Rosalie. Jasper and Emmett and Edward; I need you three to help Mrs. Pine escort this hooligan to office." With that said, he calmly returned to teaching his lesson. But his emotions were far from calm. I could almost hear him pleading with Mrs. Pine not to fire him, but she wouldn't. No, she would vent her anger on Mike.

Rosalie and Emmett, who had luckily just returned from an 'errand' to the janitor's closet, took in the scene around them with wide eyes. Good thing they weren't here, or Mike and Jessica would've been in no trouble at all.

Soon all of the Cullens, or almost-Cullens, were on their feet with a mission. A wary Bella and Alice approached the overly-emotional Jessica while Emmett leaped at the chance to cause Mike physical harm.

Still grinning from the idea of Mike's punishment, I nearly skipped to the front of the classroom. Emmett had already claimed grabbing Emmett's head, and Edward grabbed his feet. This left me no choice but to grab his stomach, but I still loved the feeling of embarrassment radiating from him by being carried out of the classroom horizontally.

_Maybe this'll teach ya, you good-for-nothing Yankee!_ Hardly containing his laughter at my thoughts, which he found hilarious, Edward managed to keep a straight face when Mrs. Pine turned at him accusingly, her steely eyes boring into his.

We made an abrupt turn into a deserted detention room when Mrs. Pine motioned for us to follow her, after shushing us with her finger pressed to her lips. Wondering what in the world she was up to, we all crept after her silently, our toes barely touching the floor of the silent corridor.

A muffled cry came from our burden, and I turned my head to see that Emmett had muffled Mike with his hand, not allowing the perverted teenager to speak. Only when Mrs. Price had closed, and locked, the door, did she confront us. A loud "Eww!" escaped from Emmett's throat, and I turned to see him staring at his hand in horror.

Confused, I looked at Edward, who was just as shocked as I. Returning my gaze to Emmett's hand, I shrank back in mortification. It was…wet! Mike's triumphant grin that he had smiled because of his 'Herculean' feat in detaching Emmett's hand from his mouth was short lived. With a simple, "Lick me again, Newton, and you will be the end of the Newton line," Emmett dropped Mike.

I pretended that I was so surprised that I accidentally dropped Mike myself. A few choice words were said from Mike, who landed on his head and glared at us from his current position on the floor, when Edward announced, "I've got his feet!"

This only caused Mike to glare at us more. Only, he couldn't pull it off at all so it really looked like he was squinting at us. "Cullen, let go of my feet now!" he aimed this order at Edward, but Emmett and I answered instead.

"But we don't have them!" We insisted in unison. This made Mrs. Pine laugh. Not a ha-ha laugh, no, it was more of a Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, I've got you in my clutches and I will now rip you to shreds. Flabbergasted, we all turned to look at her.

"Cullen's that'll be all the help _I'll_ be needing. Thank you." With a smile equally as evil as her laugh, she dismissed us. But the way that she said it not only sent chills up my spine, but insinuated that _she_ wouldn't be the one needing help…

Sputtering a, "Yes ma'm," salute and all, I hightailed it straight to the door…which was locked. "Ma'm, would you mind terribly if we asked you to unlock the door?" What in the world was wrong with me? Mrs. Pine was bringing out the soldier in me…scary.

She tossed me the keys, which I then inserted and turned in the lock. Throwing them blindly backwards after I removed them from the door, I ran out of the door and around the corner, where I waited for Edward and Emmett to catch up. A couple of seconds passed by before they too walked around the corner.

"Guys!" I exclaimed excitedly. "I have the best idea ever!" I proceeded to tell them of my _lovely_ plan. Edward stood by and waited patiently while I finalized it. Being Edward, stupid mind reader, he of course knew what my plan was, but was courteous enough to let me explain it in detail to him and Emmett.

Emmett, naturally, wanted to come up with code names. He was _Mr. MM (muscle man), _I was _Mr. EE (emotional empath), _and Edward was, to his utter dismay, _Mr. SF._ Edward's name had originally stood for 'sycho freak', until both he and I pointed out to Emmett that 'sycho' actually started with a p. So then it was changed to sexually frustrated, but Edward started complaining that that ours were alliterations, and he wanted to 'fit in'. Baby. Oops. Guess he heard that.

With a glare from Edward, I stumbled, trying to find a name for him that he wouldn't find insulting that would help me get back in his good graces. Good graces…Wait, I got it! "Gracious Gentleman!!!" I practically screamed.

"Fine," Emmett pouted. But then he brightened up. "Hey, you're GG! Get it! Edward's GiGi!" Apparently connecting this to the name of a dog, Emmett started mumbling to himself as Edward and I started discussing our plan.

"But Edward, we need to know how long she'll be interrogating him! If we don't have enough time…" Without a word, Edward whipped out his cell phone and started dialing.

"Hello Mrs. Copes. This is Mr. Varner. I hate to be a nuisance, but I need two of my students, Isabella and Alice, to report back to my room immediately. Thank you. Bye." Returning to his regular voice, Edward instructed me further. "Jasper, I need you to do something drastic."

"Drastic!" My mind whirled. "Why?"

"So that Alice will see it and come to stop you. She forgot her cell phone today, so we can't call her."

"Oh." It clicked then. "Okay…" What would be drastic? Edward yelled at me to hurry up, so I considered streaking. No, then Alice would videotape it. I know! No. That's disgusting. I'd never do that.

"Do what?" Edward insisted.

"Kiss you." I answered simply.

"Ahh! Rosalie! Run away! They're coming out of the closet! I'm disgusted of you, you're not my brothers…wait, what if you like me…_like _me _like_ me…Ahh!" Emmett, who had apparently stopped mumbling enough to hear our conversation, ran up and down the hall at vampire-speed.

Managing to calm him down, Edward and I explained the situation.

"Oh…makes a lot more sense now…" he muttered sheepishly. "Wait, will it make Rose get here faster?" Upon seeing us nod, he picked me up, ran me down to the end of the hall, vampire-speed of course, and then ran to the other.

"Now Jasper, run to me."

"WHAT?"

Edward laughed at either Emmett's plan or my reaction.

"Run towards me at a human pace, really slowly."

"Okay," I answered hesitantly.

"Spread out your arms Jasper. You've got to really get into this."

Suddenly I knew what we were portraying. A beach love scene where two lovers were being united. Throwing my arms out dramatically and whisper-shouting "I love you," to Emmett, he did the same to me after a pause.

Cursing Emmett for forcing me into this, I plastered on a fake smile and thanked the heavens when a small pixie with black hair and super strength knocked me off of track.

"We have a battle plan," Edward announced.

**I'LL BE FRANK...MORE REVIEWS MORE CHAPTERS...SO, FEEL FREE TO REVIEW!**


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